MOP
11-13-2010, 07:19 AM
The Manitoba Herald, Canada
Reported by Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting
an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to
hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians stealthily crossing
their fields at
night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I
said I didn't have any, he staggered away before I even got a chance
to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared
Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The
liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about inscrupulous smugglers who
meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons and drive them
across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot
of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario
border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of
imported drinking water. They did have a little Napa Valley Cabernet,
though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps
where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy
cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and
Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very
suspicious," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice
President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to
President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter,
Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on
postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The
Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from
the dead in time for the concert.
Reported by Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting
an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to
hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians stealthily crossing
their fields at
night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I
said I didn't have any, he staggered away before I even got a chance
to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared
Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The
liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about inscrupulous smugglers who
meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons and drive them
across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot
of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario
border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of
imported drinking water. They did have a little Napa Valley Cabernet,
though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps
where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy
cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and
Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very
suspicious," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice
President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to
President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter,
Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on
postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The
Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from
the dead in time for the concert.