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MOP
01-30-2009, 07:59 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

Barry Eller
01-31-2009, 09:20 AM
Thibodeaux and Boudreaux


Two Cajun hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Boudreaux and Thibodeaux start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says 'The plane can only take four of those.'

The two Cajuns object strongly. 'Mais, last year we shot six and da pilot let us put them all on board; he had da same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux 'Any idea where we are?' 'I tink we're pretty close to whare we crashed last year.' says Thibodeaux.


=========
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a Cajun were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The Accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows ;he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, I graduated from Ohio University and they taught us to be clean'.

The Lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, 'I graduated from the University of Southern California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.'

The Cajun zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, 'I graduated from LSU and they taught us not to pee on our hands'


Boudreaux Wins A Bet
====================
A Texan walked into the City Bar last weekend and started bragging that nobody could drink like Texans can and bet that if any of the Cajuns there could drink a whole case of beer in an hour or less he would pay them
$100.00.
No one took him up on his offer, and in fact Boudreaux got up and walked out. A little while later Boudreaux came back inside and asked the Texan if his offer was still good.
The Texan said that it was, and he would, in fact, even pay for the beer. Boudreaux told the bartender to line em up, and made short order of the case of beer, finishing in well less than the hour.
The totally amazed Texan held up his part of the deal and paid the $100.00. But he was a little curious and asked Boudreaux, 'By the way, when I made the offer, yo u left. Where did you go?'
Boudreaux answered him, 'Mais I went to de other bar across de street. I had to make sure I could do it!'



Boudreaux an Thibodeaux da carpenters
=====================================
Boudreaux an Thibodeaux was workin on a house. Thibodeaux was nailin down sidin an would reach in his nail pouch, pull out a nail an either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Boudreaux kept watchin an when he couldn't stand it no more he decide to axe what in da worl Thibodeaux was doin. Boudreaux axe 'Why you throwin away dem nails for, heh?' Thibodeaux say, 'Mais, if Ah pull a nail out of mah pouch an it's point toward me, Ah trow it away 'cause it's defektive. If it's point toward da house, den Ah nail it in!'
Boudreaux got really upset an yell, 'Mais, you some kind of stupid! Da nails pointed toward you ain't defective! Dey for da udder side of da house!

Cuda
01-31-2009, 11:28 AM
A man came out one morning and found a gorilla in his tree. He didn’t know what to do, so he looked in the Yellow Pages and found one person who advertised gorilla removal, so he called. An old redneck man pulls up in his pick up truck. He gets out with a set of handcuffs, a bluetick hound, and a shotgun. The man wanted to know his plan.
He said, “I’ll climb up in that tree and shake the gorilla out of the tree, when he hits the ground, Ol’ Blue will bite him on his genitals, and when the gorilla drops his hands to protect them, I’ll snap the handcuffs on him and haul him away”.

The man asks what the shotgun is for.

The redneck says, “That’s for you to use on Ol’ Blue in case the gorilla shakes me out of the tree”.

Cuda
01-31-2009, 11:30 AM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Ghost
01-31-2009, 01:32 PM
All of these are hilarious....

SilverBack
01-31-2009, 02:07 PM
Those are all great!!:yes:

Barry Eller
01-31-2009, 03:43 PM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and

drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the
other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around
and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it
be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over
to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks
what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your
husband just lost $500, and is
afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's
wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says
Gallagher.



*******************

Into a Belfast pub comes
Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut, and bruised, and he's
walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the
bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says
Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you,
he
must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy,
'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with
it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you

have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs.
O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was; but useless in a
fight.'

******************************************

An Irishman
who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night
and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road.

A
cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the
drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink
this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a
smile.

'Did ou know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out

of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute
there, I thought
I'd gone
deaf.'

*****************************************

Mary Clancy
goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in
tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She
says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away
last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he
have any last requests?'



She says, 'That he
did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She
says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn
gun...'

*****************************

AND THE BEST FOR
LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional

booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times
to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit
there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The
drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side
either.

Barry Eller
02-02-2009, 02:00 PM
PHONE REPAIR A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away,
but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1 The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2.. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know...