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Barry Eller
01-30-2009, 11:38 AM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told
her not as much as the dress she wore yester day

and then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....


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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into
a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

mikev
01-30-2009, 12:07 PM
I can relate to a few of those.

Just Say N20
01-30-2009, 01:14 PM
Thanks, I needed a good laugh! :yes:

Donzi Vol
01-31-2009, 10:10 PM
I just got off the phone after hearing, "I don't want to date you because I don't want to marry you." Thank you, Barry. I needed this laugh after THAT conversation!!! :confused:

Cuda
01-31-2009, 11:23 PM
Marriage is a major cause of divorce.

Barry Eller
02-01-2009, 07:19 AM
I just got off the phone after hearing, "I don't want to date you because I don't want to marry you." Thank you, Barry. I needed this laugh after THAT conversation!!! :confused:

Sounds like you got lucky! I've attended 3 weddings of my own, "interviewed" many prospects as well, some of them hurt my feelings, and I hurt some feelings. But if it's not meant to be, as this relationship apparently wasn't, you are better off not investing too much time in the doomed relationship. Don't let it get you down too much. The pain will go away with time.

By the way, the phrase "3rd time is the charm" is true in my case! I have found my soul-mate with Denise. Yours is out there somewhere!

Hang in there! Go Vols!

By the way, how is Knoxville adapting to Coach Kiffin?

Ed Donnelly
02-01-2009, 08:28 AM
3rd time is the charm.............but............the 4th is final..............Ed

FISHIN SUCKS
02-01-2009, 08:37 AM
Last night, Barbi told me to take the trash out, I told her 'you cooked it, you take it out'!

Thanx Barry, who loves ya? The DAMN yankees do!!!

Donzi Vol
02-01-2009, 09:59 AM
Sounds like you got lucky! I've attended 3 weddings of my own, "interviewed" many prospects as well, some of them hurt my feelings, and I hurt some feelings. But if it's not meant to be, as this relationship apparently wasn't, you are better off not investing too much time in the doomed relationship. Don't let it get you down too much. The pain will go away with time.

By the way, the phrase "3rd time is the charm" is true in my case! I have found my soul-mate with Denise. Yours is out there somewhere!

Hang in there! Go Vols!

By the way, how is Knoxville adapting to Coach Kiffin?

Barry,

Thanks for the kind words...they are much appreciated. And you're right...it's better to find out now rather than later. I figure it's time to cut her loose, reinvest my date money into boating, and wait for the next one to come along. Maybe she'll be the one to keep. I did lose one thing very important thing, though. I gave her a Donzi shirt...sigh :bonk:

As for Kiffin, we're pretty excited. There is kind of a scared, yet pumped vibe anytime the upcoming season is mentioned. It's a very emotional situation...haha.

All the best,
David

Barry Eller
02-02-2009, 07:02 AM
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast.They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again,the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast,when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and just then the electricity went off.

The wife had a worried look on her face when she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied...

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Barry Eller
02-04-2009, 10:04 AM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'