PDA

View Full Version : Blow Jobs from a Female Perspective



Patti
06-16-2005, 09:44 PM
Blow Jobs - The Female Perspective

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - Dp not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. (See also rule #2 about gratitude.)
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

Donzi Kat
06-16-2005, 09:46 PM
YOU ROCK PATTI I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!:jestera: :jestera:

Donzi Kat
06-16-2005, 09:48 PM
Sorry Fester's away from the computer, but he just asked me to correct #4 He said it was ok to spit as long as it was on the belly.:jestera: :jestera:

LoneStarDonziGirl
06-16-2005, 10:10 PM
Patti,

Can't wait to meet YOU! You and me, we think ALOT alike!! Are you going to be at 10K Islands? I hear you may be coming to the Texas Roundup? Go Spurs!!!!!

Polly :p

Patti
06-16-2005, 10:59 PM
Polly!

Yes, we will be there!! I am looking forward to meeting you guys too..I STILL remember Jamie going on about the popcorn :jestera:

It'll be a fun time for sure..Cliff & Diana are coming up to spend the weekend with us next weekend..I can't wait to see them again!

And yep..we DO think the same ;) lol

Patti
06-16-2005, 11:00 PM
Oh and btw..I wont be making it to the roundup..although I DO miss Texas..the time I lived in San Antonio was great!

I have faith in our Spurs..they WILL come back and give Detroit the spanking it deserves! :tongue: :biggrin.:

Donzi Kat
06-16-2005, 11:32 PM
All I can say is I wish I could make it to these events.... I to think alike you two. Would love to meet you.:bawling:

Ed Donnelly
06-17-2005, 12:19 AM
Ladies,Ladies, Ladies;I truely respect the 16 perspectives. Having been married 4 times, I have learned it is a priviledge not a right..
But, alas I cannot agree with #5
You steer a car
You steer a boat
If God didn't want us to steer you, She wouldn't have given you ears..
When the roles are reversed,why are my ears fair game?? ....Ed

Donzi Kat
06-17-2005, 12:21 AM
Why yes I believe they would be. All's fair in love and war "right"?:biggrin:

TuxedoPk
06-17-2005, 01:57 AM
. Having been married 4 times, I have learned it is a priviledge not a right..


I wasn't going to respond to this post saving myself for political and social debates with Darcy, but...

Ed, I checked in the official rulebook. It says it's a right not a privelege. It follows the paragraph describing the ideal woman as being 4'11 with a flat head so you'll have someplace to rest your beer while your getting one :)

txtaz
06-17-2005, 03:48 AM
Uhhhhh Ohhhhhh Rich, Better duck and run.... :umbrella:

Sport
06-17-2005, 07:47 AM
What ever happened to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" ? ? ?

I must be one of the lucky ones, I even get to smoke the occasional cigarette durring the festivities.

On the other hand I am a very giving man. Guys you must learn the meaning of this word ! ! ! Life will get better for you ! ! !

re·cip·ro·cate

( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-spr-kt)

1.To give or take mutually; interchange.
2.To show, feel, or give in response or return.

v. intr.
1.To move back and forth alternately.
2.To give and take something mutually.
3.To make a return for something given or done.
4.To be complementary or equivalent.

Sport !

gold-n-rod
06-17-2005, 08:34 AM
What ever happened to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" ? ? ?

Wow, you get scratch marks on your back? That's some pretty kinky stuff!!!!! :shocking:

:biggrin:

TuxedoPk
06-17-2005, 09:54 AM
What ever happened to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" ? ? ? .....re·cip·ro·cate ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-spr-kt)

Hey, Isn't that like having sex but having to go dutch? :biggrin.:

Wes- If they find me missing tarred and feathered let me thank you now for the good advice!


A chinese couple is on the first night of their honeymoon. Shortly upon getting into bed he asks her if she wants '69'?

She responds, "Why you want Seasame Chicken w/Pork Fried Rice?"

Cuda
06-17-2005, 10:15 AM
What ever happened to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" ? ? ?

I must be one of the lucky ones, I even get to smoke the occasional cigarette durring the festivities.

On the other hand I am a very giving man. Guys you must learn the meaning of this word ! ! ! Life will get better for you ! ! !

re·cip·ro·cate

( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-spr-kt)

1.To give or take mutually; interchange.
2.To show, feel, or give in response or return.

v. intr.
1.To move back and forth alternately.
2.To give and take something mutually.
3.To make a return for something given or done.
4.To be complementary or equivalent.

Sport !
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
I don't even eat corn flakes when they get soggy. :biggrin.:

boldts
06-17-2005, 10:55 AM
I like Tux was going to just read this post and stay away, but I also feel that Sport is on the right track! I personally enjoy everything about reciprocation. Nothing gets my heart racing like the feelings she experiences while reciprocation is happening. I take it you all aren't watching "Rescue Me" on FX? Call me whipped if you like, but I'm having fun getting to know an old flame again. Life can be good if you let bygones be bygones and enjoy life again.

On another note, shouldn't this have been in the Donzi Guys section or are you ladies trying to educate us men?

Zudnic
06-17-2005, 11:08 AM
So many rules and hassle. I can see know; how and why we have street walkers and why its the oldest proffession!!! :biggrin.:

Marlin275
06-17-2005, 11:42 AM
keep this going it could kill interest in that damn song chain!

Patti
06-17-2005, 11:48 AM
keep this going it could kill interest in that damn song chain!

:rlol: funny!

I gave up..I couldn't think of anymore

bronso
06-17-2005, 11:49 AM
I thought there was only 1 rule. That is "If you want her to go south with her mouth, then you must feast on the yeast"!!! :rlol:

TuxedoPk
06-17-2005, 12:15 PM
Little Johnny is having a conversation with his father when he asks, "Dad, Why does a woman have a man put his penis into her vagina"

His father answers, that's what a woman does when she wants a baby.

Littlle Johnny then asks, "Dad, Why does a woman have a man put his penis into her mouth."

His father answers, that's what a woman does when she wants jewlery ;)

________________________
Last post for me for a few days. I'm getting in the truck and driving to Lake George.

Marlin- I agree with Patti. That was a funny line!

Marlin275
06-17-2005, 12:17 PM
:rlol: funny!

I gave up..I couldn't think of anymore

How 'bout female perspective on other aspects of lovemaking.

Patti
06-17-2005, 01:37 PM
How 'bout female perspective on other aspects of lovemaking.

I actually was referring to the Song Chain..I couldn't think of any more songs..

BUT..if you want a womans perspective on sex..here you go http://www.donzi.net/ubb/smile.gif

This is all in good fun of course http://www.donzi.net/ubb/smile.gif

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.


http://www.donzi.net/ubb/smile.gif

Bigbroadjumper
06-17-2005, 01:53 PM
WOW, I have been doing it wrong all along :embarasse :bonk:

Cuda
06-17-2005, 02:12 PM
That's why I don't like sex anymore.................it leads to kissing, next thing you know you got to talk to them. :frown:

Sport
06-17-2005, 02:16 PM
Think I can reduce that big ole list and use them as crib notes ?

George got busted that way ! ! !

How are we going to remember all of that ?

We are doomed ! ! ! ! ! !

I'll just drink a 12 pack and get'er done.

Sport !

Formula Jr
06-17-2005, 02:59 PM
A bit of the male perspective:

1. Never tell a man that his penis is average. Far from being re-assuring,
this will later disturb him greatly once he thinks about it.

2. Don't pull out your entire drawer of sex toys on the first night.
See number 1.

3. Try to be careful that you don't call him by your X-boyfriend/husband's name while having sex. Men are very forgiving about this in casual conversation, but not during sex.

4. Never tell a man that he looks like So and So the Movie Star. It is oky though to say that So and So the Movie Star looks like him.

5. If you want a man to not fumble around with your bra, don't buy 10 different ones with 10 different clasps.

6. High heels are NOT that sexy in bed.

7. Never say, "If you play your cards right, you might get lucky." This is wrong on so many levels.

8. If you want a man to touch you all over, take off the braclets, the necklaces, the earrings, makeup.........etc.

9. Long finger nails do not belong in certain places!

10. Telephones and cell phones can be unplugged or turned off.

:D

glashole
06-17-2005, 03:15 PM
11. tell us what you like or don't like

Cuda
06-17-2005, 03:23 PM
When I was married, I liked having sex on my right side. I could watch the tv better that way. :eek!:

Donzi Kat
06-17-2005, 05:58 PM
WOW I leave for a day and look what happened. Patti again YOU ROCK!!! I can't even pick a number I really like because they all sounded REALLY good to me. BTW thank you for the pm's Patti.:yippie: :smileybo:

BUIZILLA
06-17-2005, 07:10 PM
I'm just damm glad i'm able to still get anything at all... up, in, out, or sideways, it's all good... :rlol:

:garfield:

Donzi Kat
06-17-2005, 08:07 PM
OK Fester has been working so much that he has been calling me and having me read the new threads to him, I am told that I need to tell you all that he to believes in you give what you get... and I have to admit I too agree with that. :crossfing

Patti
06-17-2005, 09:36 PM
A-freakin-men Kat..AMEN! lol

Btw..don't forget to send me your regular email addy! http://www.donzi.net/ubb/graemlins/biggrin.gif

Hope to talk soon girlie!!! http://www.donzi.net/ubb/smile.gif

Footloose
06-17-2005, 10:07 PM
A bit of the male perspective:

1. Never tell a man that his penis is average. Far from being re-assuring,
this will later disturb him greatly once he thinks about it.

2. Don't pull out your entire drawer of sex toys on the first night.
See number 1.

3. Try to be careful that you don't call him by your X-boyfriend/husband's name while having sex. Men are very forgiving about this in casual conversation, but not during sex.

4. Never tell a man that he looks like So and So the Movie Star. It is oky though to say that So and So the Movie Star looks like him.

5. If you want a man to not fumble around with your bra, don't buy 10 different ones with 10 different clasps.

6. High heels are NOT that sexy in bed.

7. Never say, "If you play your cards right, you might get lucky." This is wrong on so many levels.

8. If you want a man to touch you all over, take off the braclets, the necklaces, the earrings, makeup.........etc.

9. Long finger nails do not belong in certain places!

10. Telephones and cell phones can be unplugged or turned off.

:D
11) guys like BJ's cause it's the only time we get any QUIET when she's around ..:biggrin.:

Uncle Fester
06-17-2005, 10:53 PM
11) guys like BJ's cause it's the only time we get any QUIET when she's around ..:biggrin.:

Don't know about you, dude, but a little humming while the action is going on works better than a fresh set of batteries:wink: :rlol: :smash: :uzi: :shocking: :beer:

Donzi Kat
06-17-2005, 11:09 PM
Ok Patti check your PM'S girlie, and where did the nickname come from?????:confused: And footlose, I also agree with Fester, the more noise the better, and that goes both ways honey.......:eek!: :hyper: :eek!:

goatee
06-17-2005, 11:58 PM
you all know about "rodeo" sex dont you?
it's when you have her on all fours, and say,,,


"ok honey,, this is how my other girlfriend likes it"

and you try to stay on for 8 seconds

Ed Donnelly
06-18-2005, 01:36 PM
Patti; If I follow all 40 rules to the letter,would it be OK for me to watch my favorite movie with my favorite sexy actress, while attending to the top 40?
Huh, would it Hey? ..........Ed

blue_professor
06-20-2005, 12:52 PM
btw guys that list of rules doesn't actually apply to all women and usually are subject to change at a moments notice.......all heck more like no notice they just change.

GOOD LUCK

blue_professor
06-20-2005, 12:55 PM
sorry that should be 'ah heck'
thanks scott

Last Tango
06-21-2005, 10:01 AM
BEER vs. *****: THE PLAYOFF

1. Beer is always wet. ***** needs a little work. - One point to BEER



2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to *****



3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER



4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to *****



5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to *****



6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any ***** in public, you become a legend. - One point to *****



7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of ***** he may buy you a beer. - One point to *****



8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER



9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much ***** and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to *****



10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to *****



11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER



12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER



13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER



14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER



15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER



16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER




FINAL SCORE: BEER 9
***** 7


That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER


PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. An extra point for BEER

Donzi Kat
06-21-2005, 10:05 AM
I was just wondering, #5........ wouldn't that count for 10 to our side???:rlol: :hyper: :rlol: :wavey: :wavey: Nice list anyway there Last Tango.

Cuda
06-21-2005, 10:13 AM
A beer never asks if this bottle makes it look fat. One point for beer.

Last Tango
06-21-2005, 10:16 AM
You would think so, but 10 beers in one night and the residual effect is a bad hangover. Ten different *****'s in one night and who knows what long term repercussions THAT might have! -9 for the over-bagging the safe limit in one night.

Cuda
06-21-2005, 10:28 AM
I couldn't do ten in one night. :(

I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was.