Last Tango
11-28-2004, 06:58 PM
Rules for Buying Gifts for Men
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Men do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea.
No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA AutoParts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores). It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #10
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Tickets to a St. Louis Rams Football game, Blues Hockey game or a St. Louis Cardinals game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Everyone knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Do NOT buy him ANYTHING for his boat. If he NEEDED or WANTED something for his boat, he has already bought it. Trust me, just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean he doesn't have it. He just hasn't made you aware of its purchase, yet. You may actually find it under the Xmas tree marked mysteriously "From: Santa" to him, and YOU know YOU didn't buy it for him. Boat items are extraordinarily personal. No boat owner wants to have even ONE item on the boat that he didn't personally pre-select. He will be angry that you have forced him to carry around "dead weight" in his boat just to please YOU!
The best thing you can do is drop by a Mercury Marine dealer and get him a free Mercury Racing calendar. He is not required to carry a calendar on his boat. You have given him something "nautical" that will please him for an entire year. And it cost you absolutely nothing. Yes, he may already have one for the coming year, however, see item #1 above.
Happy Holidays!
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Men do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea.
No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA AutoParts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores). It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #10
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Tickets to a St. Louis Rams Football game, Blues Hockey game or a St. Louis Cardinals game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Everyone knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Do NOT buy him ANYTHING for his boat. If he NEEDED or WANTED something for his boat, he has already bought it. Trust me, just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean he doesn't have it. He just hasn't made you aware of its purchase, yet. You may actually find it under the Xmas tree marked mysteriously "From: Santa" to him, and YOU know YOU didn't buy it for him. Boat items are extraordinarily personal. No boat owner wants to have even ONE item on the boat that he didn't personally pre-select. He will be angry that you have forced him to carry around "dead weight" in his boat just to please YOU!
The best thing you can do is drop by a Mercury Marine dealer and get him a free Mercury Racing calendar. He is not required to carry a calendar on his boat. You have given him something "nautical" that will please him for an entire year. And it cost you absolutely nothing. Yes, he may already have one for the coming year, however, see item #1 above.
Happy Holidays!