View Full Version : Hmmh, Lawyers
ToonaFish
02-28-2003, 11:38 AM
Lawyer Fallout
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. All the rest are true.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the
paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
9 . What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet!
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
18. What do you have when you've got 50 lawyers buried in sand up to their chins?
Not enough sand.
19. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
Fish boy
02-28-2003, 03:22 PM
Hysterical!!! I love good lawyer jokes. Unfortunately, since there are very few good lawyers, I take bad laywer jokes. wink
Careful Lads those Forked toungued fellows do own Donzi's so they are not All Bad!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish???????????????? One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Fish boy
03-01-2003, 10:10 AM
How do you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer in the road? The snake has skid marks in front of it.
Actually, I need to give a lawyer credit for the first time in my life. I hired one to go after money on two projects I never got paid on. They owed me $13K, and the attorney got $8K for me, which is a hell of a lot better than $0K. :) It only cost me $550, not bad.
I had already counted that money as gone, so it's like finding money on the street to me! :)
The money is already earmarked for a new paint job on the boat.
NOw if I could get my buddy who owes me $8800 for two years to come clean......... :mad:
Why do lawyers wear neckties? Because it keeps their foreskin from going over their face and smothering them.
Gearhead99
03-02-2003, 09:59 PM
Lawyers, a profession that produces, NOTHING.
"I no like lawyers"
2biguns
03-03-2003, 09:12 AM
Careful, now. I resemble those remarks :D
Actually, there are times it's embarassing to be associated with the legal profession. One look at the yellow pages turns my stomach. I have always said that the day I run an ad in a phone book will be the day I start mowing grass for a living.
A couple y'all missed:
Q: Anyone know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No.
Q: Good
or
What's the difference between a possum dead on the highway and a lawyer dead on the highway?
Possum has skid marks before the point of impact.
finally:
Why are there so few shark attacks involving lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Remember: Everyone cusses lawyers until they need one.
mattyboy
03-03-2003, 09:42 AM
ok some of you might have heard this one before
a lawyer,a priest, a doctor, and an engineer at golfing at the club at the normal tee time.
On about the 3rd hole the noticed the foursome ahead of them are playing extremely slow and are wandering back and forth across the entire course.
the Lawyer is losing his patience and is becoming extremely mad with their slow play. When the course manager comes up and informs them that the foursome ahead of them is the new golf team from the local school for the blind, well upon hearing that
the priest says" It is wonderful how they have overcome their burdens, god bless them and I'll say a prayer for them at mass on Sunday"
well the doctor not to be outdone says
" I have friends in my field that might be able to perform transplant surgeory I'll work onit frist thing monday"
the engineer getting in the spirit says" perhaps I can invent some kind of eletronic aid to help their games i'll start monday morning"
the lawyer says" why the F!@# can't they play at night!!!!!
Matt
ToonaFish
03-03-2003, 12:20 PM
Yikes, didn't mean to offend... I mean, really, some of them are even my friends... I mean, like, I've even had them for dinner... (and there is one in the family, but we'd already given up hope on him when he enrolled at FSU...) eek!
A really good collection of legal "briefs":
http://www.hfmaiowa.org/humor/lawyers.html
Ed Donnelly
03-03-2003, 01:00 PM
ToonaFish,What kind of tenderizer did you use when you had the lawyers for dinner.I have tried moose (tough) beaver (mild) bear (salty) but never lawyer ( boiled like lobster might be nice..Ed
ToonaFish
03-03-2003, 01:28 PM
Marinate for a few hours in a nice salt bath... then they taste like chicken...
I had some chicken the other night that tasted like frog legs.
Silver Streak
03-04-2003, 06:08 PM
A company needs a new vice-president and runs an ad in a local paper. They interview every applicant and finally narrow their search to an accountant, an engineer and an attorney.
After three rounds of tough, tough interviews, all three candidates are still deemed equally qualified for the position.
The company president decides that after that many tough questions, maybe one more round with easy ones will help him make his decision.
He calls the accountant into his office.
"How much is two plus two?" he asks.
The accountant thinks for a second and responds, "Exactly four. It was four yesterday, it is four today and it will be four tomorrow".
"Thank you" says the president, ushers him out and calls in the engineer.
"How much is two plus two?" he asks.
The engineer thinks for a second and responds, "Two plus two is four, to an accuracy of one significant digit".
"Thank you" says the president, ushers him out and calls in the attorney.
"How much is two plus two?"
The Attorney thinks for a few seconds, looks directly at the President and says, "How much do you want it to be?"
:D Rick :D
Fish boy
03-05-2003, 06:24 AM
Many of you have probably already heard this story, but it is so good it bears repeating.
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated never the less, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and WAS obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and he was sentenced to 24 monthsin jail andordered to pay a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story & was the 1st place winner in the Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ToonaFish
03-05-2003, 01:10 PM
Um, actually, um...
http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/cigarson.htm
That dude Snopes is such a spoilsport...
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