oldLenny
11-28-2002, 01:37 PM
Texas chilli.
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first 2 Judges the reaction of the 3rd is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a Judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the Judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two Judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 Mike's maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth, tomato flavour, very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)Å*Holy ****. What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of reach of children. I am not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli.
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 A beanless chilli, a bit salty, Good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I am getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds ? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300 lbs bitch is starting to look HOT; just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.
Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
Kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
Made a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
Focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
Brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I am burning my lips off. It really pisses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 This yet bold vegetarian variety chilli Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a strait pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames.
I **** myself when I farted and I 'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must
Be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the
Last moment. I should take not that I am worried about judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
A thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.. I've decided to stop breathing, It's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll suck it in through
The 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough
to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
Most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
he'd reacted to really hot chilli.
Sent to me today from a friend here...
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first 2 Judges the reaction of the 3rd is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a Judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the Judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two Judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 Mike's maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth, tomato flavour, very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)Å*Holy ****. What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of reach of children. I am not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli.
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 A beanless chilli, a bit salty, Good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I am getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds ? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300 lbs bitch is starting to look HOT; just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.
Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
Kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
Made a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
Focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
Brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I am burning my lips off. It really pisses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 This yet bold vegetarian variety chilli Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a strait pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames.
I **** myself when I farted and I 'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must
Be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the
Last moment. I should take not that I am worried about judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
A thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.. I've decided to stop breathing, It's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll suck it in through
The 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough
to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
Most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
he'd reacted to really hot chilli.
Sent to me today from a friend here...